Heywise

There’s Nothing Hip About These Wedding Trends

You know who loves trends?  The wedding industry, they absolutely love it when new trends hit the wedding market, even more so when they’re inspired by reality TV shows and allow for quirkier new ways to capitalize on it.  Too bad most of this stuff comes from Pinterest and is nothing shy of awful.  Hold on to your airline sick-bags, you’re going to need them for this trip.

Mason Jars

Look, we know that you need to find something to do with your baby-booming grandma’s Mason jars now that she’s kicked it.  This isn’t it.  Just quit it, no one wants to drink from your pickle jar cast-offs.

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Mason Jars

Chuck Taylors? Really? QUIT.

Chuck Taylors are certainly not wedding shoes, and sure, maybe they were kind of neat the first few times we saw them?  Now they’re just nauseating.  Get me one of those Mason jars.

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Awwww

Wall O’ Donuts? Maybe a Voodoo Donuts, Not At Your Wedding.

Seriously, why do this?  Is it a quirky new decorating trend? No, it’s a quick way to create baked, crumbly donuts no one wants to eat.  Get a decorative box for the tables.

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Donuts

Unfrosted or Minimally Frosted Cakes.

Listen, there’s only one thing that should be “Naked” about your wedding, and that’s the bride and groom in their wedding suite afterward.  Frost your damn cakes.

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Cake?

They Did The Mash, and They Did The Mashtini Bar!

Whoever decided this was a clever way to serve mashed potatoes should be forced to eat out of them the rest of their lives.  Preferably without utensils.

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Mashtini

Stop Implying The Groom Isn’t Into It

This is a horribly sexist thing and really undermines the whole wedding.  There are just as many women with commitment issues, so quit making it all about the Y chromosome, it isn’t cute, it’s cringeworthy.

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Not running

Burlap… Just Don’t Do It… Unless.

Burlap really doesn’t belong at your wedding, unless you’re heavily leaning on the ‘country chic’ décor.  In that case?  You better have the bride and groom riding in on horseback.

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Burlap

Chocolate is Great, Just Not In A Fountain

Fountains were a popular thing for a long time, and seriously we get it.  But after all the disasters involving children and drunks?  Let’s just not and save ourselves a headache, ok?

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Chocolate fountain

Cakes That Look Like Gravestones

At least in color, gray cakes really aren’t cool, like not at all.  They look rotted, decayed, or at the very least like they’re made of stone.

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Cake, we guess.

Candy Buffets

Seriously, don’t do candy buffets, the cake will be sweet enough.  If people don’t choke on the typically saccharine nature of weddings, they certainly won't need their teeth falling out later in the evening. 

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Candy buffet

Goldfish Centerpieces

Listen, these little fish, they aren’t involved in the wedding. Worse? They’re living animals, what do you plan on doing with them afterward? Feed them to your cats?

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Not a guest

Super Complex “Maid of Honor” Proposals

Listen, just ask them. The over the top offerings are unnecessary.  You’re not proposing to your Maid of Honor, and she’ll be just as single afterward.

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Be mine?

Heart Shaped Hands Photos

Ok, it’s cute, at least it was.  Now it just merits a forced smile, and an ‘Ohh isn’t that sweet’ that can’t sound even a little sincere.

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Isn't sweet

Mixed Seating with ‘Sit Where You Like’ Signs

Assign your seating, or if you’re not going to at least don’t make us read your poor attempt at poetry before letting us sit down.  It’s not appreciated or necessary, we’re here aren’t we?

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Sit where you want

Sand In The Ceremony

An hourglass filled with sand from your wedding is really only one thing.  A tchotchke item that'll clutter your shelves.  Just don’t.  Also, it’s glass. If that ever breaks the frustration and tears will be only slightly less annoying than cleaning up all that sand and broken shards.

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Sands of time

Multifont Signs

Ok, we get it, you learned how to make multiple fonts on your sign with a piece of chalk.  What it is, in the end, is a pain to read, block letters are fine.

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Many fonts

Light writing

Ya know? It was popular maybe 10 years ago. Now all you need is a low-rent photographer with a long exposure. 

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Light writing

A Guest Book Filled With Thumbprints

You realize there’s no good way to get that ink off your thumb without really washing right?  Why create a run on the bathroom right at the start? Also… That stuff stains, that’s kind of it's job.

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Guest book

Cowgirl Boots For Non-Cowgirls

It seems pretty obvious doesn’t it?  If there isn’t a horse in the wedding, or at least a real cowgirl/boy, keep them in the barn, or better yet, don’t buy one.

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Wedding boots

Scrabble Tiles Don’t Belong In Wedding Photos

Seriously, Scrabble isn’t even a fun game, why would you want to include the tacky tiles in the wedding portfolio?  Don’t.  That’s why.

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Scrabble wedding tiles

Have We Harped About Signs Enough Yet?

While we’re on the subject of signs, can we just not have rhyming signs at weddings at all?  How about, in fact, all your signs be pre-printed, in legible scripts, with clear instructions?  That’d be awesome.

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What?

Wedding Barns

See our previous comments about signs, cowgirls, and burlap.  None of these things individually make a wedding good, neither does having your wedding in a barn.

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Wedding barn

Succulent Bouquets

One final comment. Bouquets are FLORAL, and while you may be able to make an argument that succulents are floral, they look terrible in a bouquet.  Stick to flowers or nothing at all.

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Succulent Bouquets
Nathan

Article WriterNathan

Let us introduce you to the Listicle Liege, the Article Aficionado, the one and only Nathan. Since creating his first photo collage at the age of five with images clipped from his mom’s Chatelaine magazines (all of them), it’s been nearly impossible to stem this one’s tide of visual learning. Be it the annals of history or the latest celeb gossip, Nathan has probably researched it, likely already has a folder of relevant photos on his desktop, and definitely learned a lot of interesting facts to go with those images. Whereas most well-read adults have bookshelves full of classic literature, Nathan’s stacks are composed of National Geographic and TIME special editions and a curated section of first-grade readers (for inspiration). If you prefer picture books to wordy novels, listicles by Nathan are right up your alley.

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